Chopsticks, Converter boxes and the Elderly

…or How my day went and what I’d REALLY love to say to my customers.

So, I may have mentioned that I work at a call center for a major satellite tv company. My days are monotonous and yet occasionally interesting. A vast majority of the people I talk to are not that bright (obviously the smarter ones don’t need to call me for stupid issues).

My dumb move of the day was to pack myself some homemade spaghetti for lunch… but no silverware. Most the time they provide some craptastic sporks, but having the latest shift means that the sporks aren’t always there when I take my lunch. Today they were out, but for some odd reason there were about a dozen plastic knives, so I grabbed two and used them as chopsticks. It was … interesting … to say the least, but it was (slightly) better than using my fingers. My spaghetti sure was good though!

So, on to the other part of my post (the ranting part, lol). These are just a few things I would love to be able to say/explain to my customers (and things that would get me fired if I did).

1. There is no “magic button” that I can press to fix your problem, sorry, I wish there was.
2. Yes, part of what we say is scripted. I hate it as much as you do, but I have to say it. It’s just as much a part of my job as actually fixing your problem.
3. Don’t lie about anything regarding changes to equipment, programming, or anything regarding money. I can see everything on your account. I can see those “special” pay-per-views that you order every week, the credits you got for making a fuss when you called in last month, and the fact that you are late paying your bill almost every month.
4. As much as I can see about hard facts and changes on your account, I can’t see every little thing that the last guy told you, unless s/he actually wrote it in the notes on the account.
5. Yelling, cursing and threatening me gets you nowhere. I am limited in what I can do in regards to money. You really want to get somewhere with getting money off your bill? Here’s a little tip: either ask for a supervisor, or better yet, threaten to cancel.
6. If you can’t work the basic functions of your equipment, (such as understanding what I mean when I say “select number six” or “press six on your remote”), then PLEASE get someone (family member, friend, neighbor, paper boy, I don’t care) who actually understands a little bit about technology and can work your equipment (generally, this means someone 1 – 2 decades younger than you). This will make it easier and quicker for everyone concerned.